Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize!

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?


Why shouldn’t you buy anything with velcro?

It’s a total rip-off!

What are you if you see a crime at an Apple Store?

An iWitness!

How do lawyers say goodbye?

We’ll be suing ya!

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the ‘P’ is silent!

What did the traffic light say to the car

Don’t look! I’m about to change.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? 

Because it was soda pressing.

A woman walks into a library and asks if they had any books about paranoia

The librarian says, They’re right behind you!

Hear about the new restaurant called karma

There is no menu, you get what you deserve

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?

Put it on my bill

Why was the broom late?

It overswept!

Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance?

The Meat Ball!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?


What do you call octopuses that look exactly the same?


Where does a sheep go to get a haircut?

The baa baa shop!

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

Because it was two tired!

What did the frustrated cat say?

Are you kitten me right meow?

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

Why did the Jedi cross the road?

To get to the dark side!

What’s a cheerleader’s favorite cereal?


I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know Y.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!