What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?

 A mathemachicken!

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know Y.

What’s a cheerleader’s favorite cereal?


Why did the Jedi cross the road?

To get to the dark side!

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

What did the frustrated cat say?

Are you kitten me right meow?

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

Because it was two tired!

Where does a sheep go to get a haircut?

The baa baa shop!

What do you call octopuses that look exactly the same?


Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance?

The Meat Ball!

Why was the broom late?

It overswept!

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?

Put it on my bill

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards

He was just going through a stage

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo

So I had to put my foot down

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help check her balance

So I pushed her over

Hear about the new restaurant called karma

There is no menu, you get what you deserve

A woman walks into a library and asks if they had any books about paranoia

The librarian says, They’re right behind you!

Why did the can crusher quit his job? 

Because it was soda pressing.

What did the traffic light say to the car

Don’t look! I’m about to change.

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the ‘P’ is silent!

How do lawyers say goodbye?

We’ll be suing ya!

What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time.

What are you if you see a crime at an Apple Store?

An iWitness!

Why shouldn’t you buy anything with velcro?

It’s a total rip-off!

What did the coffee report to the police?

A mugging!

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?


Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

If a child refuses to nap, What are they guilty of?

Resisting a rest!

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese!

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?


What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

Where’s Pop Corn?

Where do fruits go on vacation?


What did one wall say to the other?

I’ll meet you at the corner!

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing away the bent ones!

What did one hat say to the other?

Stay here! I’m going on ahead!

Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I’m not going to spread it!

Why Should You Not Trust Trees?

They seem kind of shady!

Where do young trees go to learn?

Elementree school!

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

A meltdown!

How does a taco say grace?

Lettuce pray!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows!

What did the zero say to the eight?

That belt looks good on you!

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels!

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory!

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.

Turns out it was the refrigerator all along!

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then what is it?

A soap opera!

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one!

Why do spiders make such great baseball players?

Because they catch flies!

What does a nut say when it sneezes?


Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels!

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Don’t look now, but something between us smells!

What do you tell Simba when he’s walking too slow?


How did the french fry propose to the hamburger?

He gave her an onion ring!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?

Olive you!

Why did the pie go to the dentist?

It needed a filling!

What is a snake’s favorite school subject?


How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.